The twungle is a dark, dangerous and foreboding place. Whether hunting or being hunted, tweeting or being tweeted, evils of immeasurable magnitude lurk round every corner, all too eager to ensnare and enslave their prey. The list below is to be taken as a form of survival guide as you venture into the murky depths of the twungle, encountering various tweeters on your travels. Feel free to identify more creatures in the comments section below or if you chance upon any examples of those listed below..
The Verified Account
The crème de la crème of all creatures. A single tweet from a Verified Account can trigger an earthquake, distributing the entire balance of the twungle. Although initially a rare sight, Verified Accounts appear to be breeding at an astounding rate, with their numbers now well surpassing the 17,000 mark. Most are known for having an astronomically inflated sense of self-importance, despite in reality providing extremely little benefit to the harmony or evolution of the twungle.
The News Junkie
At times hard to distinguish, the News Junkie lives almost solely on a diet of hashtags and the occasional retweet. Whilst their outer appearance may portray them as hugely territorial, once attacked they have a tendency to back down, or even flee. During the day, many use their time proving their worth to Verified Accounts, whom in turn provide them with hashtag sustenance. The influence of the News Junkie is fairly minimal, however many believe that they are a preaching to a dedicated audience, when in truth, their constant use of hashtag trends and Verified Account names, make them the perfect habitat for Spam Bots.
The Deluded Musician
Using the twungle as a platform to pedal their questionable talents, a typical Deluded Musician craves any form of attention. Such is their yearning for this, that when they receive their first whiff of admiration, they become glutenous on retweets, much to the detriment of their followers who lose patience out of frustration. Another common attribute of such a tweeter is one of faux-relevance, feigning that their tweets are born of a higher power, yet their poor disguise reveals their true colours.
The Troll
The least respected member of the twungle, The Troll serves no real purpose other than to antagonize and taunt other tweeters. A Troll’s usual method of doing so is by referring to the race or colour of a Verified Account in the hope that the superior predator will lash out and cause anger amongst it’s own followers. In cases where a Troll succeeds in provoking disruption, it has been known for a relatively rare form of tweeter to appear; The Troll Hunter.
The Small Start-up
Much like The Deluded Musician, The Small Start-up believes that having a presence in the twungle, albeit a miniscule one, is essential to their future well-being. They are characterized by their haphazard appearance, whether this be down to disregard or simply lack of knowledge. They attempt to pay little attention to the movements of the Verified Accounts and tend to refrain from becoming embroiled in arguments surrounding territory.
The Unsigned Rapper
Stereotyped by their bizarre and at times unintelligible manipulation of basic vocabulary, The Unsigned Rapper portrays itself as the most arduous of twungle inhabitants. Unfortunately their self belief is flawed by an evident lack of impact or tangible earnings. By glorifying and exaggerating their menacing image, the Unsigned Rapper will often be mocked by a hungry pack of Trolls or even a daring Sports Analyst. A vicious predator when attacking those inferior to itself, the Unsigned Rapper’s intellectual weakness are clear to see when confronted by a superior, more powerful creature.
The Celebrity Obsessive
Spawned solely from the presence of Verified Accounts, The Celebrity Obsessive is undoubtedly the most exacerbating of twungle inhabitants. Plenty in number, their life purpose is simply to suckle from the teets of their superiors, idolizing the Verified Account and being infatuated with their every move. Others in the twungle are hugely frustrated by the existence of such expendable and ineffective creatures, causing numerous bouts of confrontation. The Celebrity Obsessive has been known to consume thousands of tweets a day whilst trying to attract the attention of their gods. Very few Verified Accounts openly acknowledge the actuality of the Celebrity Obsessive, yet their very being is the reason for the existence of the latter.
The Wannabe WAG
Desperate to disassociate themselves from the Celebrity Obsessive, the Wannabe WAG is a direct descendent of the former. Unfortunately the Wannabe WAG has limited potential, and relies heavily open it’s appearance to garner any form of interest. Known for their constant breeding rituals, the Wannabe WAG believes the ultimate achievement in life is to mate with a Verified Account. Their offspring are heavily pampered, reflecting their parents inability to judge other than on looks or status. Personality wise, a Wannabe WAG can be volatile and highly condescending, despite their disastrously poor intellect. They tend to travel in packs, and when left to fend for themselves, they struggle to survive.
The Sports Analyst
Only venturing out between the hours of 12.30 and 19:00 on a Saturday afternoon, the Sports Analyst is known for it’s remarkable memory. Regurgitating hastags and chomping upon retweets, it has a tendency to show fierce bias towards species of a similar colour. Whilst much of their grazing is done in the territory of Verified Accounts, the Sports Analyst may react violently if provoked and is prone to bouts of delusion and self-importance.
The Spam Bot
Stereotyped by their usually unpronounceable names and often explicitly vulgar appearance, the Spam Bot is the lowest of all species in the twungle. Following hastags and the names of Verified Accounts, Spam Bots tend to cling to Celebrity Obsessives and Wannabe WAGs due to their incessant mentions of their favourite Verified Accounts. They are extremely likely to develop viruses and thus have a very short life expectancy.
